rhaixxa's blog

Happy New Year! :)

Well, first things first, I'd like to greet all of you a happy new year! 2009 is finally over, and while watching the last sunset of 2009, I wished in my heart of hearts that 2010 will be kinder. :)

I actually promised myself last night that I'll write a recap about the events that happened last year, but I guess I got too lazy and was too caught up with Indiana Jones 4. So let's see... I guess I have to say that the greatest change in me happened last 2009. For better and for worse. When I look back at 2009, I don't see it as something that just "flew by". A lot of things happened.

Let's see, I damn near fell in love three times last year and ended up having my heart broken once. On Christmas Eve even! What a way to ruin my Christmas season, you stupid boy.

Our sections were reshuffled as well last year, so I made new friends and acquaintances. I guess you can say that I turned into a real lady by this time. Old Rea would be ashamed to hear this, but I started wearing make up now. Remember a post I made last year about that fuss I made with that lipgloss that costs 600 PHP? Yeah, well I just bought a lipstick that costs more than twice that price. Well, it was a gift actually, but still!

The greatest downfall about this is that my reading list went to an abrupt halt. I'd like to weasel my way out of it by saying that I had no time, I was too busy, blah blah blah, but in reality, I just got tired. Plus, with the many delusional distractions I had, I was too fascinated living in my own fantasy world than escaping into the worlds of authors. I stopped writing as well, which is the worst, I think. I've been trying to get up from this writer's block, but so far, no such luck. Until today, anyway! :)

Recently I've been thinking about my future, and what I'm really going to do once I graduate. I'm sure as hell that I'm not gonna end up happy being a nurse, but what else am I supposed to do? The dreams I had about being an artist died and faded away with 2009. I'm afraid I haven't held a pencil in months. About the writer thing, I've been having doubts on that as well, but I can't give up on that one. It's practically the only thing I have left.

I'm hoping that 2010 will make things more clear for me. Like what I said, please be kinder to me, 2010.

By the way, I got myself a tumblr account! :) If you have time, check it out and maybe you could... follow me as well? ;))

http://cornholioTP.tumblr.com

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating.

Hay. :| Well, it's official... F MY LIFE.

It is a universally acknowledged fact that by July, even during the start of it, broken hearts suddenly spring out of nowhere. At least it does in Rea World, and even I am not an exemption to this.

So hello to you, the boy in white, with all your glory. Shouldn't I have known, shouldn't I have known, that I'll end up being sorry?

I'm going to hate myself for saying this, but I guess all I needed was that affirmation. I knew what would happen, but still I clung to this tiny string of hope that things would go otherwise. Yes, I admit it. I went because of you. Had it been a different situation, I would have gone home immediately--but no, you came, and I could barely feel myself breathing the moment you went in the room.

But still it hurts, this shallow situation of mine. It was at that moment, at that small table, with you right beside me, when I slipped into that shithole. Everyone else was intoxicated, but you and I remained sober. Suddenly someone said something that changed everything and suddenly, the future I've always escaped to suddenly became unavailable.

I could never really explain the hurt, and neither the disappointment. I'm never really the one you can trust to write something actually heartbreaking. I'm sad, yes, but I could never really show them in any other way aside from tears. I have the emotional equivalent of an arithmetic problem.

So! While I'm on this track, I'm going to make a little equation: Two players plus one confession plus three words, and what does it sum up to? One broken heart.

When he said love was the biggest fraud of all, I clutched my chest and kept silent. If it was a fraud, an illusion per se, then how come that splintering feeling in my chest felt so real?

Atonement

So I just finished reading Atonement by Ian Mcewan. This is the very first book I've read that was by him, so I was a bit hesitant. Like most of you, you've probably seen the book (the one that has the movie poster for a cover) a million times in the bookstore, though you really wouldn't give it much thought, knowing that there is a movie present, and you can always just watch that instead.

But I figured that I'm not really the type of person who likes to watch a movie and ignore it's book version. Plus, a friend  told me that it's actually really good.

So now I'm done with it, though to be honest, it took me quite a long time to finish it. The start was a bit slow, but good nonetheless. The second part was moving at a faster pace and I enjoyed it a lot. For some reason, I really like watching/reading things that involved WWII.

I'll post the quotes I loved the best later. :)

Huh, I just realized something. I have a knack for promising to "post something later" but I've never actually done it before, have I? Oh well. Hopefully I'll get over this procrastinating phase (yeah, right), but right now, I need to eat and sleep. I haven't had a good night's rest in days and my eyes are reduced to black, sunken spots.

Oh and a note to my philosophy professor: Just because my book doesn't have any markings in it, doesn't mean I didn't read it. Some of us like to keep our books clean, and maybe some of us DON'T NEED to put any markings on it. For someone who acts like the next Freud, you're pretty dumb.

HELLO MY NAME IS ------

I haven't been updating here for a long time. Not that it matters, since the only person who knows this website exists is me. But if this blog was alive, and if it really was wondering what I've been doing for the past months, I'll give an update.

I left this blog with the somewhat hanging post about a surprise birthday party. Long story short, it happened, I was happy, I have awesome friends. :) I experienced what was probably one of the greatest summers. It wasn't great in a sense that I found love or made new friends, or anything. It was great because I found something I wanted to do. I enjoyed my classes, my teachers and didn't complain that much. I loved my Asian History class, and despite being able to sell my holyshitexpensivelikehell book, I'm not gonna, because that book somehow found a special place in my heart. :)

Summer ended and now I'm a third year student. So far, it hasn't been hell... at least not yet. I'm gonna take it easy for a while since the first semester is always better than the second one.

I managed to get myself a DLSR. Will post pictures the next time I go online. :) They're not that great, since I only have the basic lens.

Yesterday I went shopping, though I wasn't exactly happy about it. I don't know why though. Somehow I'd be ecstatic after splurging, but yesterday was just different. Watched Transformers and saw a funny scene that involves the title above. I've been daydreaming about a boy who isn't at the very least interested in me. Went home to discover that one of the shirts I bought from People Are People still had that detector thingy on. No wonder it activated the moment I stepped out and when I went in another store. God, how embarrassing. Went back to the said store this morning and was nearly tempted to buy a lipgloss that costs 600 PHP. I'm somehow deluded to this fact that the moment I buy it, I'll become more beautiful, or even better, HE will start noticing me. Which is of course, ridiculous, since a woman doesn't exactly transform into a whole new being just because she's wearing some expensive lipgloss. So I dropped the idea and decided to invest on my brain. Bought 3 books, went grocery shopping and now I'm here--writing this, and somehow, despite the previous activities, I've never felt so empty.

I don't know how to end this entry.

I don't exactly have potatoes for brains.

I know that you're planning something for my 18th birthday, and the very thought of it is spinning my mind, and then I find myself finding it hard to breathe.

My main concern is:

WHEN THE WEASEL POPS, HOW WILL I REACT?

I fear that my face won't be too convincing, since I already have my suspicions, and that I might get you guys disappointed. I also am scared that I might fake it too much that it'll make my face look to ugly to be in the pictures!

But more importantly,

WHAT SHALL I WEAR?!

If I wear something too fancy--which never happens--they'll KNOW that I KNEW, and I don't want to upset my friends. But if I wear my usual clothes, then I'll look like crap!

But there is always the idea that I'm only paranoid, and they're not planning a surprise for me after all.

Boats and Birds

I am so tiiiiired. We had our second exposure to a clinical environment this morning at 7 AM, after having only 4 hours of sleep because of my agitating insomnia. T_T  Even after I turned off the air conditioner at 5:50 right after I woke up, I was still freezing because the rain outside was crazy. I didn't even dare myself to take a bath, because of the lack of a heater and all, lest I kill myself. Good thing I already took a bath earlier last night. So I just wrapped myself under my comforter for around 5 minutes when I finally found the courage to face the cold and get ready. I was done at around 6:20 so I still had time to eat piaya while waiting for Cherry to text me since we're supposed to meet at school at 6:30

Despite my plan to actually ride a bus today to save on money (because honestly speaking, my money was hovering a little above zero), we took a taxi because it was IMPOSSIBLE to ride a jeep with that kind of weather. What's worse, after my duty, I took ANOTHER cab to SM to meet my parents. At least the moment I got there, they paid me for my hard work... and oh, there's the little thing about selling my soul to the devil along with my hopes and dreams.

Nowadays, I'm just seeking refuge in books to escape my current huge problem which I won't talk about. But I'm pretty much screwed that I've even considered of self-destructing if all else truly fails. :( Which isn't very noble, I know, but... well, it's just that bad for me. Last week was a bad one for me, because I spent most of it crying. My bad grades, they're all because I don't study hard enough, because I spend the little remaining time I have on escaping to my Dreamland because I have no intention on facing my real one. Why should I live this cruel and unfair life, while the scums out there who've never done anything good in their life get to live happy and ignorantly blissful lives? I know I'm being an ungrateful bitch and that if you think of it, millions would kill for the luxury I have right now, but it's just really, really haaaard. :( Why can't someone just give me a farm, a good business that's easy to run, then maybe I can just live a simple life there, spend most of my time spacing out where the air is fresh and read books without anything tugging my brain that I still have to do this or that.

But for now, I plan on forgetting all the shit that's bothering me, and curl up on my bed with the book Peter Pan tonight. :)

Can I have your life?

I look at your pictures over and over again, and though you might call it stalking, I'd like to call it admiration. For years, I tried to be you. Tried to look like you. Tried to talk like you. But I could never be you.

Because you're fabulous.

And I'm not.

You're like Audrey Hepburn, and everyone wants to be you, every girl in the world would crowd up the streets just to see a glimpse of you, to have a piece of you, to at least have an idea on what your life is like. And every man in the world is willing to line up on your door, just begging you to marry them.

No matter how many times I try to deny this, I really can't reject the fact that I envy you. I want your life. You're beautiful, talented, smart, poetic, you're everything I could never be, yet everything I want to be. When I look at your pictures, I would just whimper to myself, or at least say a silent prayer "I want to feel that." I want to be so beautiful that I would be a heart-breaking sight, but what really made me admit this to myself is the fact that I want him to look at me the same way he looks at you.

Yeah, I guess that's actually the only thing the I want.

Travelers once again.

So today Jacky and I took another food trip, but this time, around our own dear city, Gen San. When arrived at Grab A Crab, formerly known as Orient Seas, I found out that it's actually split into two parts. One part is the actual Grab A Crab, a very chic restaurant, a nice replacement to the old one, and a place where you can truly "grab a crab". Then the other one was our main destination, the coffee shop. I used to think that Grab A Crab was the actual coffee shop's name, and that while people were having a conversation, they'd have a cup of coffee in one hand, and a crab on the other. I later found out that the name of the coffee shop is actually Coffee 101

Then we used the shop's computer which has internet! I chatted a bit on mIRC (actually, I was just answering the trivia questions... HA!) and we got hungry again. Jacky was in the mood for some maki so we went to the mall and ate at I Love Sushi. Well, it's actually I -heart- Sushi, but you get the point.

Suddenly I remembered what Paolo told me on Christmas eve. Something about him working part time at Pizza Hut. Jacky and I put on our mischievous grins and passed by and we definitely saw him. Jacky suggested that we should at least go and have a drink there. So we did and I swear, the moment we came in, I positively regretted it because I couldn't calm myself down! I've never actually MET Paolo in real life, and I'm very shy when it comes to things like that. From the moment we came in to to the moment we ordered, I just had this stupid look plastered on my face that even waiter was laughing a bit when he saw me. Well I ought to punch him in the face! Long story short, Paolo found out it was me. I guess covering my face with the menu every time he passed by gave it away.

Jem and I are going there tomorrow to harass him hahaha!

Below are some pictures from Coffee 101

A Place, My Place.

Some people say that you've got to have 'a place'. Not just any ordinary place, but it's gotta be 'The Place'. Your own special place. A place where you can just go to when days suddenly became harsh, or when you just want to get away from the hectic life, away from it all, and just have some peace. A sanctuary, yes, that's it.

Although it is sad to say that I probably don't have this kind of place.

Now that I'm in college and living in a dorm, I can say that a dorm is certainly not a place I'd like to call a sanctuary. What, with my cabinet, brimming with cup noodles and desk with textbooks dangerously piled on top of it. It certainly does not look anywhere near to being relaxing. In fact, the appearance of my dorm room just adds to the stress of everything. And if you add the roommate who's always on her cellphone or laptop, blabbing away, well that just makes things even worse.

I've always wanted to find an isolated field somewhere in my city. Where I can just lay my head on the grass and not care about the world, even for just an hour. A field where I won't be able to hear the busy streets, or the sound of people spitting on the road. Just the wind blowing on my face, and my iPod. Sadly, the presence of rebels running around in the more isolated parts of city does not make that idea very comforting, for fear that they might kidnap me and send a ransom note to my parents, saying that they'd cut my head off if they don't pay them this or that.

But somehow, for the past few weeks, I found myself going to a certain bookstore every Sunday. I don't know how it began. I guess I was just so bored in my dorm room one Sunday morning, that I got dressed, took a cab and went to the mall. I ate at a restaurant by myself, and for some reason, I eavesdropped on a couple beside me, talking about a bookstore somewhere in the city, with it's own coffee shop. The next thing I knew, I went out of the mall and took another cab there. Perhaps you can call that my own special place. My sanctuary. It certainly isn't a field, but the books there can take me to places farther than a field, and I can feel more than just the breeze of the wind on my face.

But what would I give to be an actual character in the book, rather than just the reader.

Literary wonders. :)

Aah, books. We either love them, or hate them. It depends on what book I'm reading. I mean, I may LOVE reading books and all, but I absolutely cannot stand looking at my nursing textbooks, or any textbook for that matter. Novels, history books and books that are just fun to read, I love them.

I saw someone do this one time, and perhaps I shall make a list of the books that I have read too, along with books that I shall read in the near future if I get the chance. This list will be edited from time to time if I want to add something that I have forgotten. One of these days, I'm going to edit this alphabetically. The ones that have a strikethrough are books that I have already read. Feel free to comment some books to add in my list!

• Princess Diaries 1-7
• Princess Diaries 8-10
• The Mediator series
• 1-800-Where-Are-You series
• Series of Unfortunate Events
• Narnia
  
• M is for Magic
• Anansi Boys
• Stardust
• Fragile Things
• American Gods
  
• Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
• The Two Towers
• Return of the King
• The Hobbit
• Persuasion
• Artemis Fowl series
• Pride and Prejudice
• Me and Mr. Darcy
• Acting Up
• Frenemies
• Make Me A Match
• Shopaholic series
• Undomestic Goddess
• Can You Keep A Secret
• Twilight
• Five Children and It
• Alice In Wonderland
• Little Women
• Hopeless Romantic
• Lord of the Flies
• Little Prince
• Emma
• Jane Eyre
• History of Love
• Rebecca
• Mirror Mirror
• Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister
• Anna Karenina
• The Romanov Prophecy
• The Alexandria Link