rhaixxa's blog

Tour day :)

So I had a little tour of the city I've been living in for more than a year now. This is how I normally spend my Sundays, wandering around town. It's a big city, Davao I mean. Practically the biggest in the world in terms of area. I had coffee with Jacky at Yellow Hauz, a very quaint and lovely looking coffee shop at V. Mapa. I've never seen that place before, basically because it's so secluded but I'm guessing it's pretty famous around town. :) I didn't really take any pictures, but the interior was painted (obviously) yellow. A very nice shade of yellow, mind you! Mixed with the brown wood, it looked really homey. It kinda reminded me of a Mexican house, or something.

Then we walked around the area and out of the blue, we decided to go visit the infamous Ponce Suits! It's owned by the famous artist, Kublai Ponce-Millan and the inn is very... well, artistic? I don't know. The place had a weird smell. Every inch of their walls had his work in it, and from the looks of it, it seemed like Kublai here is a fan of naked people. He had large structures outside his inn and I just gaped at them. Inside, there were large replicas of black ants on the wall, and they looked so realistic that it was scary. In one of the bathrooms, he had some of his drawings posted on the wall, and most of it were drawings of naked men with their penises showing off. The place looked as if it would appear in a dream. It was dark, mysterious and eerie. Unfortunately (or fortunately, according to Jacky), we didn't see Kublai himself.

It kinda made me wish that I had a camera, though I don't want to go all mainstream and go buy myself a large camera that I might not use all the time. Today I feel like pictures are undervalued, and people take them for granted, taking useless pictures and whatnot. I think I liked it better when you just couldn't get a camera just like that.

I don't know why but this post seems very bland and lacks material. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY

If I could accomplish one more thing...

When I was 9, I wrote a short story about some weird strawberry named Berry (how surprising) and her little adventure around the village. Her adventure involved a certain surprise that was coming to town, and she felt so ecstatic that she just had to tell the whole village. So off she went to Ms. Mango's house, then off to Mr. Grape's house, and then off to several more houses. Then my mom called me and told me it was time for dinner, so I placed the notebook down, and I sadly never picked it up again, and I can't even remember what the surprise is supposed to be. I'm sure that that was probably the start of my habit of not finishing anything I ever do. Whether it's a story, or a drawing, I never actually got to the part where I finished it. It's always missing an arm or an ending. That streak, however, ended when I felt my heart break for the first time. I locked myself in my room for hours like any broken-hearted teenage girl would do and cried my heart out. After a few hours of wallowing, I finally opened my laptop and just started typing. Since I was just recently dumped by the man whom I thought loved me the most, I wrote a story which ended in a tragic way. Funny that I should say that. The story actually ended, for a change. Although I guess my willpower to actually finish something only arises when I'm experiencing emotional trauma, because after that, I never actually got to finish another story. Though yesterday, I saw, what probably was, my rise of luck, for I bought a Neil Gaiman book! A book filled with Neil Gaiman awesomeness and short stories, no less! In the introduction, Neil Gaiman wrote a few things about short stories and the great deal of wonder it does. I could only wish that even half of Neil Gaiman's talents would rub off on me, but he did say that short stories will definitely help a writer in his/her early career. If I could truly accomplish one more thing, it would be something that I actually finished and something I didn't leave to rot on my study table. I'd make something that I could actually show to people without fear of them asking the other part, and probably something that they'd actually like. This could be the start of a new positive streak for me!

Pondering again.

So my iPod screamed out "Stop stalling and make a name for yourself!"

Oh, wait. It was the vocalist of Panic! At The Disco, who said that, but nevertheless, through my iPod. While I have been spending most of my life idling away, I guess it's because it's either:

a. I want to be a stupid jack-of-all-trades, daydreaming of what kind of good preaches my fans will say about me, and end up doing nothing.

b. I have no idea on what I want to do

c. I have an idea on what I want to do, although I am not capable of doing it.

Honestly, I have no idea which one is right. Probably all of them all at the same time. Today, I just kept on thinking on the biggest mistake I've ever made so far, and that was choosing the wrong course. Although it was not entirely my fault, since it wasn't my choice to begin with, I feel like I've had something to do with it. Well, obviously I had the power to say NO. But I didn't. Why? Because I was tired. I was so sick and tired of thinking what  I wanted to do with my life, that I just gave the problem to my dad, who had been forcing me to take a medically-related course probably my entire LIFE. I was so tired that I just made my family do all the choosing.

Now I'm year, a sophomore in college, and while some would think that it's still to early, and I could shift any time, I feel like I've spent an eternity in this place and it's too late to quit. What am I going to do anyway when I realize in the future that I have made the wrong decision? Yeah, I'm a coward, I know. So now I'm already thinking like a senior, that if I shift, I'd be so fucked up.

I'm so tired. I have so many things to do, so many things to read, I have an exam this week and I haven't started on anything yet. I am so dead. But you know what's the real thing that died after I made my big mistake?

My soul.

There was something there that used to be there before.

"Her father's dying..." I gloomily said as the wind blew on our faces. It was a crisp and dark night. 8 PM, it said on my watch. Though it was already this late, the school was still a bit noisy with the sounds of students chatting, walking, saying their goodbyes. Today is Friday. Everyone is in a good mood.

Jane just sat there, rubbing her bruised leg from volleyball practice. She tried to absorb this sentence. A sentence with 3 words, and yet it seems so harsh to include in 1 sentence.

"Let's go and eat dinner together tonight." Jane finally says.

"I already ate." I quickly said.

"Well, just eat some fries then. Let's just do it like the old days." Jane says as she tried to stand up. This woman is obviously a major fake. She just bruised her leg. There's no need to act like she had it amputated.

I wave a hand at her "Whatever."

Then we hear people coming down the stairs. We look for a familiar face, and there she is. Looking completely normal as ever. "Hi." Annie says as she saw us.

"Jane says we should eat dinner together." I say, shrugging a bit.

Annie's face lightens "Really? Where?"

"I dunno. McDonalds, probably. It's the closest place to eat here."

"Maybe I should invite my friends." Jane says as she tries to take her phone from her bag.

I flick my hair and give a tired sigh "Just like the old days, Jane, means no new friends."

Jane looks at me as though I just stabbed her. "No need to be harsh, you know. I just thought 'the more the merrier' ".

"How can it be 'merrier' when we don't even know who your friends are?"

"OK, fine. Just the 3 of us. Happy?" she rubs her leg again "Jeez, I'm already the one who's in pain here."

There she goes again.

We arrived at McDonalds a few minutes longer than expected. What, with Jane's constant whining about her leg hurting. I'm guessing she's expecting us to make a throne for her for us to carry.

"Annie, I'm having what you're having, OK?" she hands a 200 php bill to Annie "I'm going to find us a table. My leg is killing me."

"Oh... ok then." she looks at me "What happened to her?"

"Volleyball accident." I say in a unsympathizing tone. "It's not THAT bad. The girl just twisted her ankle. Her leg didn't go all the way around, you know."

"Oh..." she says, looking relieved. "I'm going home tomorrow."

Poor Annie. This is why I sometimes question the logic of things. Poor, poor Annie, who is only a few months younger than I am, but a whole lot of years younger than me psychologically, has to experience this. I don't think she's ready to lose a father. I don't think she's ready to lose anyone right now.

"You sure you don't want us to go with you to the bus station?"

"No, no." she says, a few tears escaping her eyes.

"Don't cry here!" I hiss.

"Sorry... it's just that..." she wipes her eyes "Make me laugh, please."

"Dafydd used to be called Daffy Duck. I had a strange dream about him kissing me last night and actually enjoying it."

Her eyes widened. "I KNEW IT! You like him, don't you?"

"In my dream I also lost all my hair and I was accidentally set on fire."

We look at each other and laugh. When we arrive at our table, Jane goes on a constant fuss about her "near death" experience. Why won't she shut up? The wind coming from the air conditioner is blowing on my face. The fries are not cooked to perfection. The entire place is noisy with kids running around.

Who are we trying to kid? No matter how we try to "bring back the old days", it will never happen. Things have changed way too much. The damage has been made. It can no longer be repaired. The gap will always be there.

Today is a Friday. Tomorrow's a Saturday. Somehow, I'm not in a good mood.

Eh?

So much for the drama of yesterday!

Honestly, I just want to get this whole "reality" thing in at one shot without the suffering and drama already! o_x

I don't really have time to chat here because I'm leaving for school again tomorrow. T_T

I ALSO WANT TO BUY SOME SHIRTS ONLINE. But they cost like... 1000 php a pop or something. Some go even beyond than that and I'M SUPPOSED TO BUY MORE THAN ONE SO I CAN SAVE ON THE SHIPPING. I don't even have that kind of money. :(

Hopefully, I get to make some business soon. BUT HOW?!?

kwento

Once, there was this small girl who lived in a small city in a corrupt country. Before she was aware of the evil that waited for her, she had hopes and dreams that would make her sleep in happiness at night. She wanted to be a historian. Or even an archaeologist. Anything that had history written on it. She had read tons of books. Books that were too broad even for a child like her. She had a dream and she felt she had a purpose.

And then she grew up.

She found out her dream was just as silly as any other child's dream. Her mom told her fantasies did not exist, and suddenly, that little world filled with wonderful and lively things didn't seem so real anymore.

Memories died along with the hope. The dream died along with her little world. Suddenly, everything she used to believed in was slowly being torn into pieces by the real world.

She went to college and went for a degree that "something people would care about" says her mom. Is that what this world  about? Letting you know that you exist? Doesn't your own happiness count or does happiness exist in fame?  She would ask herself these questions but they all faded away as time passed. Before she knew it, she was a whole new person.

A day came where the people she hung on to left her. What happened to all those people who were supposed to care? The truth is, they didn't care. She tried to pick up the pieces of her torn past. But the passion, the dream, the world is all gone now. She abandoned the thing that really mattered. But there can still be hope, can there?

Right now, that girl is still looking for that world. Looking under each rock. Hoping and dreaming that one day, she can retrieve what's rightfully hers and something the real world can never take away from her.

Goodbye, love.

You have no idea how mad I am at you right now. You try to act as if everything's all fine and dandy between the two of us. And you have the nerve to bitch about TRUST when you don't even know a fucking thing about it. TRUST?! How could you complain about trust when you toyed with mine?! My FEELINGS. I gave you my trust and what did you do with it?? You crumpled it. Played with it. THREW IT BACK AT MY FACE. I am so disgusted at you. Jacky was right. You're not worth it. I can't believe I actually thought otherwise. That there's some good deep inside you. But now, all I can see is a sick asshole. I can't believe it.

Oh, so you're all mad and sappy about some girl who wouldn't do "IT" with you. GO GET A FUCKING WHORE IF YOU'RE THAT HORNY, YOU SICK BASTARD. And that good for nothing friend of yours. Sure, he'll take your side then. All I know is that you two are nothing but horrid, horrid people. Hah. No wonder your fucking girlfriend left you. "How can I make you feel better if you won't tell me what's wrong" you fucking said. So, I told you what was bothering me, and instead of making me feel better, YOU MADE ME FEEL SO BAD THAT I SOBBED ON MY PILLOW FOR TWO NIGHTS.

And you call yourselves my friends. How dare you make me look like an idiot. You knew this, didn't you? You just wanted to break my heart. Weren't satisfied enough the first time? What the hell do you want from me??? I ALREADY TOLD YOU MY FEELINGS FOR YOU. And what did you do? REJECT ME!!!

Is that all I will ever get from people?? REJECTION??? And for once, I thought I actually played an important role in your life. Or at least in one person's life. But you just lied to me. You should've told me at first, so I wouldn't look like a complete moron in front of you. But instead, you made me trust you again. Made me give my whole heart to you. And you took that as an advantage to tear it into pieces. Well, you have succeeded. My heart feels like a glass splinter just worked all it's way to it. It's in SO MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING right now.

I guess I'm the one the blame too. I didn't learn from my first lesson. I never want to talk to you ever again. I never want to see you, hear your voice, hear your name, or see anything that will remind me of your existence ever again.

After this, I don't think I still want to be your friend. It hurts so much and you have no idea. All this time, I feared that someone will take you away from me. You go and say that no one will. And I thought I was just being paranoid. AND I WAS RIGHT. All that time. ALL THAT TIME WHEN I WAS GETTING CLOSE TO YOU... ALL THOSE LIES ABOUT YOU LOVING ME BACK, IT WAS ALL AN ILLUSION.

Nevermind about revenge, payback or getting even with you. You're so sick I can't even stand the very thought of me touching you. No. Starting from now on, I don't want you to be a part of my life anymore. I'm not sure if I'll find someone like you, but I do know that there are people out there, people whom I have taken for granted, people who loved me and gave me something that I could never return, that I will start to value so much more from now on. I was distracted by all your lies that I forgot what true friendship and what true love is. I guess it really was right under my nose all along.

I'm not so sure if I'm the U-Turn you were talking about in your blog. Jad made me think otherwise. Heh, you should've heard him. I wanted to fucking punch his lights out. Well, I don't really care anymore. I just hope you find someone who will love you the way I did. Because one thing's for sure, I loved sincerely and treated you a real friend. And I never really wanted anything back from you. I guess you wanted something else. Something that Charles wanted too. Something that I can never give.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for all the bad things I did to you. And I'm sorry for myself for getting a treatment like this. I don't know if I deserve something better. I don't even know what I want anymore. But thank you for letting me know that it's not you that I want now.

Goodbye.